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These Developers Would Have to Be Shot in the Ass to Have Their Brains Blown Out

The picture below is for every one of you who constantly bitch about critics of the game industry like Jack Thompson or Hillary Clinton. Maybe, just maybe, if you were instead to complain to the irresponsible developers/publishers who market crap like this email advertisement I received, then they might just tone it back a bit and silence the critics, allowing the industry to grow and mature rather than continuously defending itself from an unyielding bombardment of negative publicity. But the most mind-boggling aspect of this advertisement is that once you register at this site and then enter the game queue expecting to join in on some violent, first-person shooter, the very first game you play is - Sudoku! And this is how they are advertising it!!

Who is ‘The Vede’ and Why Do I Love This Man So Much (In a non-Brokeback Way of Course)?

I realize I’m preaching to the choir when I complain about the pc gaming magazines almost totally ignoring the adventure genre. Of course, said employees at the magazines like to write me and inform me as to what a silly fool I am (although ‘fool’ is not the word they usually use).

What has happened all too often in the past, is that my complaint about a review that, rather than evaluating the game instead proceeds to bash the entire genre, elicits a response that, “Well, if you’re defending (insert name of game here), then no wonder the genre is in trouble.” What they didn’t, no what they refused to understand, is that it is not any specific game I am defending, but the genre as a whole. So imagine my surprise, nay my unbridled glee, to discover that PC Gamer seems to have undergone an adventure game epiphany.

The past few months have featured articles on independent developers such as The Silver Lining team, the Sam n Max resurrection and numerous reviews of adventure games that actually review the game and not the entire genre. New adventure game reviewer Logan Decker – along with Chuck Osborn - seem to actually appreciate the genre and their recent adventure game reviews, both positive and negative, are as fair and balanced as any that have ever appeared in PC Gamer.

The credit for this startling change can surely be attributed to new Editor-in-Chief Greg Vederman - aka The Vede - whom I initially incorrectly pegged as just another in a long line of action-loving, adventure-hating editors. Thanks Vede, for proving me wrong.

Whew, this is hard work. Let’s take a break and watch some G4TV, the 24/7 television station for gamers. Hmmm….looks like the original Star Trek series from the 1960’s is on right now. Illogical. We’ll try again later

They Also Voted Sam n Max as the Best Sports Game

Adventure gamers are eagerly awaiting Just Cause from Eidos. With over 250,000 acres to explore, 303 missions to accomplish, 89 vehicles to command and 32 stunts to master to ignite a revolution, this is one game that is a must have in the adventure community. What? You didn’t hear? As Eidos is proudly proclaiming in its marketing campaign, Team Xbox.com named Just Cause as the ‘Best Adventure of E3 2006’.

Take This Mod & Shove It

Here’s my take on first-person-shooter mods – if you were to put 1,000 monkeys in a room, 999 of them would make acceptable mods, the remaining monkey would develop Doom, or Quake, or . .

To create a good fist-person-shooter mod only requires a smidgen of imagination. The engine is already supplied and there is very rarely a requirement for plot, puzzles or characterization. You need only be able to design a 3D maze that is peppered with ‘inventive’ weapons. Yet, the mainstream gaming sites and magazines simply go ga-ga with trembling adoration over the fact that someone cloistered in their basement can design weapons that provide new and gorier means to kill

Now consider the plight of the Independent Adventure Game Developer, sure they sometimes have an engine to work with, but they must then create a storyline and not just simply an extension of an already existing game. Characters must be fleshed out, puzzles incorporated into the story and yet their efforts are usually either totally ignored or chided as amateurish. In other words; creativity bad, redundancy good.

Can I Get an Amen Brother!

Scene from a local video game store: as my son and I are browsing the new releases and the used dvd section, an irate mother storms into the store with her 12 or 13 year-old son in tow. She’s waving a copy of 50 Cent Bulletproof in front of the clerk’s face while simultaneously demanding a refund and screaming at the clerk for selling her son such a violent game. The store has a no-refund policy on opened games, but sheepishly acquiesces to her demand. Considering that an EB manager recently told me that he has no problem selling ‘M’ rated games to minors as he understands their frustration in being too young to purchase adult games, I’m thinking the ESRB needs to hire this woman as an enforcer.

Okay, I do need to give my brain a rest after that last article, so let’s try G4TV again, the 24/7 television station for gamers. Hmmm…looks like Star Trek is still showing, but this time its Star Trek: The Next Generation. We’ll try again later.

I Wish I Could Quit You Randy

I understand that many of you go to bed at night, restless, unable to sleep wondering if the rumors of my dashingly good looks are true. Well, wonder no more for MDNA Games has, for reasons unbeknownst to me, decided to put my mug in their new game Time Stand Still. If you can’t wait for the October release of the game, then you can download the demo. If you are one of those who are in need of a new dartboard target, then visit the museum and find the bulletin board (or you can also pre-order your own copy of Time Stand Still from the JA Store) or, if you are the impatient type, then just look below. And no, there is no validity to the rumors that there will be refunds for temporary blindness or insanity caused by my image.

Time for some R&R, let’s try G4TV again, the 24/7 television station for gamers. Yo Joe, it must be retro week for now they’re showing the horrible G.I. Joe cartoon series from the mid 80’s and it hasn’t improved with age.

Extra, Extra, Read All About It

Has anyone else noticed how many internet gaming sites now post press releases as ‘News Headlines’?

Are internet surfers so undemanding that they are willing to accept a marketing generated press release as news? And doesn’t posting a press release as news also call into question the integrity of the site? Even worse are sites that reword the press release so they can post it as news. If your local newspaper had a front page headline, for example, that Company X had developed a new automobile and then the entire article was the company’s press release sans commentary or rebuttal, wouldn’t you be suspicious? Yet somehow not only is this acceptable in the internet community, but we here at JA have even received letters of complaint from public relations firms when we have refused to post their press releases as articles rather than for what it is, a press release meant to present the company in the best possible light.

So, let’s kick off our shoes and give G4TV, the 24/7 television station for gamers another try. What’s on now – Cheaters? You have to be kidding me. Probably 80% of G4TV’s viewers have never even had a date and they’re showing Cheaters?!

It’s Not Uwe Boll, it’s the Material Dummy

Having recently slept through the incomprehensible Silent Hill movie, I found it ironic to read articles in both Now Playing (a magazine spun-off from Computer Games Magazine) and PSM Magazine bemoaning the lack of good video game-based movies. Some of the examples used as bad movies made from good games were: Doom, Bloodrayne, Double Dragon & House of the Dead.

Is it just me or are these people out of their friggin minds?!

Why would anyone expect a movie based on these games to be anything other than a ‘B’ movie? It’s not like even one of the characters in any of these games have any depth or personality. Nor do any of these games have a subplot and the overall themes seem to be that its acceptable to just kill or beat up anything in sight.

Is today’s generation of gamers so shallow that they honestly believe that one-dimensional games like Doom and Halo are high art? The characters in an Archie comic book have more depth than any of these video game creations.

The problem is that for years, gamers and especially the console gaming magazines have been guilty of clamoring for better graphics at the expense of story and now that they’ve gotten want they wanted, they’re complaining because they have finally realized that cutting-edge graphics don’t necessarily translate into good or even average, movies. And yet, we still don’t have anyone in the Hollywood community savvy enough to purchase the rights to Gabriel Knight, or Tex Murphy, or Monkey Island, or Syberia, or . .

Last chance for G4TV, the 24/7 television station for gamers. What’s this? A Ronco infomercial. Set it and forget it. Maybe that’s good advice as G4TV seems to be about everything but games. So, in the words of Tony Soprano, fugedaboutit

Red Herrings

• Have you ever just sat around wondering, ‘When the heck is someone going to write a 500-page fictional novel loosely based on the rise and demise of Sierra?’ Well, if you have, then you’re a strange person with too much time on their hands, but someone who doesn’t have too much time on his hands is Leopold McGinnis and that’s only because he spent his every spare second writing such a novel – Game Quest. Our own Al Giovetti recently read Game Quest and shared his thoughts with our readers. But don’t take his word for it, purchase your own copy and support those who support the adventure community.

• Speaking of Sierra, did you think the day would ever come when we asked you to not support this company? Sierra recently released compilations of the classic adventures: Leisure Suit Larry, King’s Quest, Police Quest & Space Quest. Here’s the rub – the Sierra public relations department is clueless about these compilations. No one knows who the p.r. person is for these compilations, nor are phone calls returned or emails answered. One person I finally spoke with at Sierra did not even know that these compilations had been released! Why should we support a company that is so indifferent that they are obviously releasing these games only to squeeze an extra buck from their name recognition? Sierra has refused for years to sell character rights back to their original creators – which is why there will not be a new Gabriel Knight game by Jane Jensen or an Al Lowe version of Leisure Suit Larry. Maybe, if the compilations don’t sale, then the greed-mongers at Sierra will finally give up the ghost. Or better yet, purchase multiple copies of the compilations to convince the geniuses at Sierra to release a new Gabriel Knight game – as a first-person-shooter.

• Computer Gaming World recently announced that they would no longer feature game reviews in their magazine (they will be online only) as they were no longer timely by the time they reached print. Shame on them for admitting defeat to the internet. I would much rather read a well-written review a month after a game is released rather than some shoddily & hastily review slapped together by someone who just wants to have the first review on the internet.

• We currently have over 120 adventure games for sale in the JA Online Store (I’ll wait here while you count them, go ahead, you know you want too). Now, I could sit here all day and yammer on about the benefits of ordering your games from JA, but instead, I think enormous variety of choices, quick delivery and low shipping and handling charges speaks for themselves.

  

• Something You Will Hate Me For - this, but this will make up for it.