Articles

by Jeff Strand November 8, 2002

The Seriously Whacked Point of View "Adventure Game Mudslinging: Why Should Political Candidates Have All The Fun?" by Jeff Strand

Ahhhh...those of us who live in America can now breathe a sigh of relief. It is now possible to enjoy our favorite television programs without having to watch all of those comical-yet-annoying negative political campaign ads. I live in Florida, "The State That Is Its Own Punchline," so my choices for governor were Jeb Bush or Bill McBride. It was a tough choice, because if you watched the ads, they're clearly both Satan's understudy.

It was hard to decide which candidate to dislike more. Overall, I think Bush's commercials were more blatantly deceptive (they were loaded with fine print like a used car ad), while McBride's commercials were quite a bit whinier ("I'm not going to raise taxes, and he knows it!"). In the end, Bush won, and now, as usual, candidates across the nation are graciously saying that it's time to join together and put aside our differences.

What I'd like to see are Hit Them While They're Down ads. "See, we TOLD you that Bill McBride was a loser! Hey, McBride, what'd you do with all those victory party balloons, huh? Hee hee hee hee hee! Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, better go eat worms! Nyahh nyahh!"

It seems to me that adventure game companies could learn from these smear campaigns in their own marketing. For example, Tony Tough and the Night of Roasted Moths has just been released, but the advertising exclusively concentrates on trying to tell players that Tony Tough is a pretty good game. The Cameron Files II: Pharaoh's Curse has also just been released, but nowhere in the Tony Tough marketing is there anything saying that Pharaoh's Curse sucks. What's up with that? They should be writing ads like this:

"Appalling graphics. Pre-school storytelling. Unintuitive interface. Pharaoh's Curse wants you to think it's the best game of the year, but it's FLAT OUT WRONG. Buy Tony Tough today!"

Now, that in itself would be a remarkably lame advertising campaign. For this to be truly effective, the Pharaoh's Curse people would have to send out their own ads:

"Uncreative game designers. Drunken programmers. Illiterate manual writers. Do you really want to spend your hard-earned money on Tony Tough? Buy Pharaoh's Curse today!"

The next round of ads would require a black background and somber .wav files, accompanied by grainy, twitchy, black-and-white screen shots of Pharaoh's Curse and a grim narrator. "Pharaoh's Curse. They say it's fun. They'd probably also say that boredom is fun. And carpal tunnel is fun. And accidentally cutting yourself on the edge of the CD is fun. But are these things fun to YOU?" Suddenly they'd cut to cheerful background music and full color. "Have fun! Play Tony Tough!"

"Eight out of ten gamers say they'd rather have their eyebrows filed off with a rusty saw blade than endure Tony Tough. And you've seen the kind of crap those other two post in newsgroups. Pharaoh's Curse, the only choice."

"Every copy of Pharaoh's Curse comes equipped with the BloodyDeathGoreSplatter virus. But they won't tell you that, because they WANT the BloodyDeathGoreSplatter virus to harm your computer. Say "No way!" to the BloodyDeathGoreSplatter virus. Buy Tony Tough."

One of my favorite parts of any political smear campaign are the ads where the candidates conveniently forget about their own mudslinging commercials and speak sincerely into the camera to pretend that they're deeply wounded by the cruel remarks of their opponent. So the game designers would have to record some appropriate MPEGs:

"I'm sure a lot of you have seen negative, hurtful ads claiming that Pharaoh's Curse has a virus. [Deep, thoughtful sigh.] Pharaoh's Curse doesn't have a virus and they know it. They're just trying to hurt us and our children. [The game designer hugs his children, the youngest of whom is holding a kitten.] Don't let them do this. Buy Pharaoh's Curse. Do it for your country of origin."

What might be even more fun is a good old-fashioned debate. Get the Tony Tough and the Pharaoh's Curse people together in a room and let 'em fight it out!

MODERATOR: So I guess we'll open this debate with--

TONY TOUGH: Ah, moderate this, you hoser. Hey, Pharaoh's Curse...you stink!

PHAROAH'S CURSE: Yeah, well, bite me, you bug-laden goober! Maybe they should issue a patch to correct your ugly face!

TONY TOUGH: Your mother was a sliding tile puzzle!

PHAROAH'S CURSE: Your father has a limited number of save game slots!

TONY TOUGH: That does it!

PHAROAH'S CURSE: Indeed it does!

[Chaos and violence ensue.]

See how much more entertaining adventure gaming would be if the marketing department didn't dwell on the positive? Why should politicians have all the fun?

Jeff Strand's novel GRAVEROBBERS WANTED (NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY) is total garbage. So is his incompetently written HOW TO RESCUE A DEAD PRINCESS and his barely readable ELROD McBUGLE ON THE LOOSE. Buy MANDIBLES...it's the right choice! Visit http://www.jeffstrand.com...it's your patriotic duty.