Articles

by Jeff Strand June 28, 2002

The Seriously Whacked Point of View "The Seriously Whacked Interactive Adventure!" by Jeff Strand

Hey, kids, it's time to play the Seriously Whacked adventure game! Just read the story below and pick your path to excitement!!!

You are Thud the Untanned, the mightiest warrior in the Generic Fantasy Land. But alas, all is not well in the G.F.L., for the evil warlock Deathbloodslime has found the dreaded Amulet of Tar, which will give him the power to destroy quite a few people. King Uvula has sent you on a quest...to retrieve the amulet before it's too late!!!

First, you must pick your follower. Snorky the Wizard is kind of a wuss, but he has magical abilities. Esmerelda the Notary has no magical abilities, but she's cuter than Snorky.

Click here to choose Snorky the Wizard.

Click here to choose Esmerelda the Notary.

"No %$@#& way!!!" says the person you chose. "I'm not going up against the evil warlock Deathbloodslime! You can tell the king that he can just kiss my unprotected butt!"

And so, Thud, you begin your quest alone, which sort of bites. You leave the castle and wander for many moons, until you come to a fork in the road. A sign informs you that you must choose...do you take the path to the left, or the path to the right???

Click here to choose the path to the right.

Click here to choose the path to the left.

You start to walk in that direction, but, not being the sharpest toe on the foot, you accidentally walk into the sign. It hurts.

"Boy, do I feel like a geek," you think, rubbing the imprint of the sign off your face. "I hope nobody saw that, lest I appear foolish in their eyes."

"Haw, haw, haw!!!" says an elf that you didn't notice before, because as has already been fairly well established, you're not very bright. "I can't believe the king sent YOU to save us all! Maybe if you bought my magic powder, you'd stand a better chance of completing your quest."

Click here to purchase magic powder from the elf.

Click here to beat the crap out of the elf and steal his magic powder.

Done.

You continue on your quest, walking for many more moons. You're tired and hungry. Your bunion itches. Your left eyebrow fell off two moons ago. To distract yourself from your misery, you think about the true meaning of life.

Click here if we were put on this planet to live a wholesome life, help others, worship as appropriate, and do our part to enrich the world for all inhabitants.

Click here if we're all just part of the great Circle of Life, born from the soil and eventually to return to the soil, completing the cycle that is nature's design.

The troll bludgeons you with his weedwhacker, knocking you off the cliff and into the dreaded Pond of Ferociousness. You find yourself sinking...sinking...sinking...

Click here to say "Hold on, wasn't I supposed to link to something about the true meaning of life?"

Click here because clicking is FUN!!!

...sinking...sinking...sinking...

Click here to end the game.

Click here to finish the game.

Click here to terminate the game.

Click here to asphyxiate the game.

Congratulations, Thud! You've defeated the warlock, saved the kingdom, and found true love! Your score is 1000 points out of a possible 1000, in 2 hours and 57 minutes.

- The End -

Click here for a shameless promo for the game designer's personal website.

Click here to sadly acknowledge that you'll be taken to the shameless promo whether you want to see it or not.

Jeff Strand is the author of several novels that you probably haven't read. His turn-ons include walks along newly-paved beaches, yogurt, and things that he can push with his chin. His turn-offs include spores, the unconstitutional and borderline satantic Pledge of Allegiance, and people who throw Raisinets at people without permission.

You can visit his Seriously Whacked website at http://www.jeffstrand.com/.

Click here as many times as you want...you're not going anywhere.

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