Articles

by Jeff Strand April 5, 2002

The Seriously Whacked Point of View "Cheapass Games" by Jeff Strand

As much as I love computer games, sometimes I just need to play against a human opponent. Sure, I can do that on the Internet, but beating a faceless competitor named "BritneyRULEZ" doesn't bring quite as much joy as sitting in the same room as a real, live person, spilling potato chips and Jolt Cola as I shout "Your battleship is SUNK, dude!!!" followed by a lengthy but comical victory dance.

This need was fulfilled recently at the EPIC writer's conference in Seattle. My novel, Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, was a finalist for Best Thriller, but the shamelessly biased judges obviously used "quality" as their determining factor, and thus I failed to win. After the awards ceremony, I decided to spend the rest of the evening shambling around the hotel, purposely walking into things, until I was invited to join a guy named Dave Howell and a few others at a table to play some games.

It's probably not necessary to mention that the previous evening, at the open mike event, Dave had performed an erotically charged rendition of "Rubber Ducky" that had the entire audience frantically phoning room service to beg for squeak toys. It's even less necessary to discuss my participation in the encore, although frightening photographic evidence exists on the Internet, if you're brave enough to look for it. That's not important. What's important is that we sat down and played Kill Doctor Lucky.

Kill Doctor Lucky can best be described as "Pre-Clue." The concept is that Clue begins after the fun is already over. In this game, your goal is to, yes, kill Doctor Lucky. (Note: If you're offended by this concept, it's safe to say that you will continue to be offended throughout the duration of this column. Alternate reading material is probably in order.) So, as Doctor Lucky moves around the mansion from room to room, you must arrange it so that you're in the same room as him...without witnesses. You see, each of the rooms has various "lines of sight," and a player three rooms away might still be able to see your nefarious intentions.

Once you're completely alone with Doctor Lucky, it's time to go for the kill. Sure, you can use a revolver, if you've got the right card, but you can also use such things as a civil war cannon, a tight hat, or, if you're weaponless, a good old fashioned poke in the eye. Meanwhile, the other players use their "Failure" cards to stop your wicked deed...the more powerful the weapon, the more failure cards that are required, and some weapons work especially well in certain rooms.

In the end, I did not kill Doctor Lucky, despite poke in the eye after poke in the eye after poke in the eye, which made for two devastating losses in the same night. But I had a great time trying.

Kill Doctor Lucky is the best selling board game produced by Cheapass Games, which can be found on the web at http://www.cheapass.com, or, if you're feeling especially wordy, http://www.cheapassgames.com. They produce gobs of demented games (card games, board games, and yes, even a couple of computer games) that are ridiculously inexpensive. Kill Doctor Lucky is a mere $7.50 plus postage, less than the price of augmentation mammoplasty.

Why so cheap? Cheapass Games, ruled by James Ernest, works under the impression that you've ALREADY got all the pawns, dice, play money, Q-Tips, etc. you need. You've probably got Candyland pieces stuck under your sofa cushions. Here, you only get the items unique to that particular game: the board, the cards, and the rules. Let's face it, Scattergories is an absolute blast to play, but do you REALLY need them to sell you the pencils, notepads, notepad folders, timer, and the fancy board with no other purpose than to give you a place to roll the die? Or could you get along just as well if they only sold you the category cards and the alphabet die? (In theory, you could write letters of the alphabet on slips of paper and pick them at random, but let's not be Scrooge here.)

Cheapass Games are the evil opposite of, say, the multitude of Limited Edition Collector's Item Monopoly Sets (Monopoly: Star Wars Edition, Monopoly: NASCAR edition, Monopoly: Gomer Pyle Edition) that I'm pretty sure you're not even supposed to OPEN or the Collector Patrol will burst into your house and beat you to death with their mint-in-the-box limited edition #378,362 out of only 15,000,000 produced Powerpuff Girls figurines.

Another noteworthy Cheapass Games title is Unexploded Cow. This card game involves Mad Cow Disease in England and unexploded bombs in France...two serious problems with a common solution.

They've also got The Great Brain Robbery, Captain Park's Imaginary Polar Expedition, Bitin' Off Hedz, Devil Bunny Needs a Ham, Devil Bunny Hates the Earth, Give Me the Brain!, Lord of the Fries, and FALLING, a fast-paced card game where the object is to hit the ground last. I could also mention that not ALL of their games are utterly twisted, but that's not what I'm about. And, as I said, they have a couple of computer games: Strange Adventures in Infinite Space and Plasmaworm.

So there you go. If you feel like temporarily abandoning your mouse and Internet connection for a deck of cards and a few of your most peculiar friends, then Cheapass Games should provide plenty of fodder for a sick and fun-filled evening. C'mon...cows! Blowing up! For cheap! If there's a finer value for your entertainment dollar, then I don't know what it is.

Jeff Strand is the author of How to Rescue a Dead Princess, which last year also failed to win an EPPIE Award, dammit. However, his comedy for kids (and adults who were warped as kids), Elrod McBugle on the Loose DID win an EPPIE, which is a really snazzy-looking award with a pointy tip suitable for poking law enforcement officials and evil clowns. You can visit his Seriously Whacked website at http://www.jeffstrand.com/.