Articles

by Jeff Strand April 26, 2002

The Seriously Whacked Point of View "An Adventurer's Guide to Seeking Hints" by Jeff Strand

What follows is an example of my use of hints in a typical adventure game.

Playing Time: 0:00 I'm going to finish this entire game without ANY help. None whatsoever. Not a walkthrough, not a hint guide, not a newsgroup posting...nothing. I'm going to solve every single puzzle on my own, no matter how long it takes. Complete and total victory will be mine!

0:08 Ha! You thought you could hide that silver key from ME? I am the adventure game master! My brilliant ingenuity can conquer any obstacle you try to put in my way. I scoff at your feeble attempt to thwart my unstoppable progress. [Loud scoffing noises.] I'll be done with this game by dinner.

0:17 I'm not stuck, I'm just thinking. I need to check the past couple of rooms a bit more carefully, that's all.

0:21 Ha again! I KNEW the water jug was good for more than jugging water! This game is almost too easy. Why would anybody in the world ever need a walkthrough?

0:33 Hmmmm. What could I possibly have missed? I'll just have to talk to everybody again. Not a problem.

0:49 Hmmmm. What could I POSSIBLY have missed??? There's nothing I haven't done. Absolutely nothing. But I'm still not getting a hint. No way. There has to be an answer, and I'll find it, no matter what.

1:01 Crap. I'm stuck.

1:05 You know what? It could be a bug. I could be spending all this time and putting forth all this effort and this game could have a bug in it. I'd look pretty darn silly trying to solve these bug-ridden puzzles on my own, don't you think? I won't cheat, I'll just ask on a newsgroup if anybody knows of a bug that would keep me from making progress.

1:27 So, it appears that the bug is only in my copy of the game. I'll probably have to reinstall and start all over, but I should probably take a quick peek at the walkthrough, just in case.

1:28 Okay, I'm SURE that secret button wasn't there when I checked before. Anyway, looking at the walkthrough wasn't really cheating since I was just making sure there wasn't a bug, and I'm not going to use ANY more help, no matter what.

2:01 Crap. I'm stuck.

2:20 Okay, I'm just going to look at the FIRST level of hints on the Universal Hint System. I'm sure I'm on the verge of a breakthrough, so all I need is that one little nudge in the right direction. It's virtually the same as solving the puzzle myself.

2:21 "Have you spoken to the troll?" Yeah, I've spoken to the troll. I guess I'd better speak to him again.

2:29 What the hell was I supposed to learn from the troll?

2:45 The Universal Hint System has eight responses to the troll question. If I look at a second one, that's only 25% of the answer. That's barely cheating. I'm still solving 75% of the puzzle on my own.

2:48 Okay, so 50% of the puzzle was still a pretty good chunk of puzzle solving.

3:54 I am in the ZONE, baby! This game is history!

3:56 Crap.

4:10 You know, I'm a busy guy. I really don't have time to sit here and figure out every single little puzzle in the game. I'll make sure I spend at least half an hour working on any one given puzzle, but after that, I'll check for a subtle hint. I'm still figuring most of it out on my own.

4:30 Twenty minutes is close enough.

4:47 Ugh, a maze. I hate mazes. I can't think of any good reason to spend my valuable time and hard-earned money navigating a maze. I'll just use the walkthrough for this part but then immediately go back to solving things on my own.

5:21 See, now, this puzzle isn't very well integrated into the plot. I'm here for the story and characters and thematic elements, not so much the mental challenges. I'll use the walkthrough on this one just so I can immerse myself in the story again.

5:32 It takes too long to keep connecting to the walkthrough site. I'll go ahead and print it, but I'll keep it in a different room.

5:55 It takes too long to keep walking to the other room. I'll keep it on my desk, face-down.

6:15 It takes too long to keep turning the walkthrough over. I'll keep it face-up, but I'll avert my eyes.

6:27 You know, really, if you think about it, the game's just as much fun if you follow the walkthrough. I mean, I'm still seeing everything it has to offer...more, actually, because the walkthrough will help me find all of the hidden things. In fact, I'd be doing myself a disservice by NOT using the walkthrough, because I'll be missing all of those wonderful little secrets that the designers work so hard to include. It'll be every bit as much fun this way.

8:02 Crap. I'm stuck. I think I missed a step. I'd better download a walkthrough from a different site. I'll post to a newsgroup to see who can recommend the best one.

9:57 I did it! I've beaten the game! Now I can sit back and watch the end sequence and bask in my glory!

10:00 Jeez, that game was short. What a rip-off.

Jeff Strand is the author of How to Rescue a Dead Princess, which last year also failed to win an EPPIE Award, dammit. However, his comedy for kids (and adults who were warped as kids), Elrod McBugle on the Loose DID win an EPPIE, which is a really snazzy-looking award with a pointy tip suitable for poking law enforcement officials and evil clowns. You can visit his Seriously Whacked website at http://www.jeffstrand.com/.